


Something To Live For

by Pixiestick_cc



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, Healing, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 20:11:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4848890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pixiestick_cc/pseuds/Pixiestick_cc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trying to live in denial sometimes makes things worse. Today Connie was thinking of Steven and she wouldn’t try to deny it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something To Live For

She didn’t think of him all that often anymore.

Well, maybe that wasn’t true. Maybe she thought about Steven once a day, but tried to convince herself that she wasn’t really thinking of him … or what had happened. Connie would always connect it with some other thing from her life and say that’s what her mind meant to bring upit just got sidetracked along the way and found that dark place, because it was hard to shake away the residual pain of seeing something die. Not something, but he had looked like something. A gem. He had been a gem right before …

Anyway … she had really been thinking about her jewelry. That’s why her brain popped up an image of a pink gem for her to see. But that didn’t actually help because she had just one piece of jewelry that mattereda promise ring. So stupid. It’s what teenagers gave to each other. This one wasn’t even real, just some dumb thing won at the carnival by the beach. When Connie wore itsomething she hadn’t done in a whilethe skin underneath the false precious metal would turn a shade of putrid green. He’d given it to her when she was fifteen. But what did a promise ring mean anyway when you were fifteen … no one could promise anything to anyone. The future was never certain. She pushed the heel of her palm against her chest and rubbed the spot that ached, but it didn’t alleviate the sensation.

Pulling herself from her bed, Connie went to inspect the small jewelry box on her dresser. It was a holdover from her youth, with a tiny ballerina on the top that would spin if you twisted the knob underneath. She opened the box, looking briefly at the ring alongside some other pieces that were supposed to mean somethinglike Nanni’s rings. Connie had inherited them after her grandma’s death. Seeing her slowly waste away to cancer had been a very stark contrast to the way Steven had suddenly just … he had …there was no way to say goodbye to someone who was gone just like that. Although, she had tried a thousand times to his broken gem pieces in the months that followed.

Connie shook her head, ready to close the box and forget how her day had started, but some mysterious force compelled her to take the promise ring out. So, it was going to be one of those days. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d done this. Maybe a year ago. She had been doing so well for so long. Why now?

This time she couldn’t reconcile her thoughts on Steven by saying she really was thinking of something else. Connie was thinking of Steven and wouldn’t deny it today. She pushed the ring onto her finger and left the room for breakfast downstairs with her momwho noticed the ring, but mercifully said nothing.

She would never mention it, but Connie knew her mom was secretly glad that her daughter no longer went over to that house on the beach, and that the sword she’d used to wield was left there as well. The sword that couldn’t save him. Connie fiddled with the ring, twisting it clockwise to distract herself.

“Are you going to eat your breakfast?” her mom asked, bringing Connie's attention away from the band around her finger, and across the table where the other sat.

“Um, yes, ma'am,” she replied, spooning some cereal in her mouth.

“Connie …” her mom began slowly, then paused momentarily. “Maybe, you should hang out with some friends tonight,” she finally suggested.

Connie didn’t look up from the bowl. It was obvious what was happening. Her mom could sense the disturbance in her daughter’s mood, and she didn’t want Connie to fall into her old habits whenever this happened. No staring off into space. No clipped replies. No mourning the dead. “Maybe,” was her evasive answer, which was followed by a loud sigh from her mom. Connie still didn’t look up.

Truthfully, she didn't have many friends. Connie had a group of four that she hung around, but more often than not, she felt like the forgotten fifth wheel of a car driving somewhere she never wanted to be. And really it didn’t matter. She liked being alone. It helped keep her on track with studying. Ever since senior year began, she had been counting down the days till graduation and her eventual departure from Beach City. She somehow felt being away from the place where he died would help her forget.

But today she couldn't forget, and after school, Connie took a detour instead of heading straight home. If she delayed, then her mom might think she’d hung out with some friends and followed through with her suggestion.

And maybe Connie would go see some friends, but not the ones her mom had hoped. She would certainly voice her disapproval with Connie heading down the shoreline to the old house that used to be a second home to herthe one that rested just below a massive image of a Gem carved into a mountain.

The first year after it happened, she’d spent all her free time there. It had been very hard for everyone and they’d all leaned on each other for support. But after a while, Connie had made a choice to move beyond her pain and felt that cutting The Gems off would make her numb. She wanted to be numb. Everything was too painful to the broken sixteen year old she’d been then and the chance to be a normal teenager was too enticing. He wasn’t coming back, and talking to his broken gem like he would, wouldn’t change thatno matter how hard she wished it.

Connie saw Pearl firstsitting on the beach, staring out onto the waves. She looked different, but somehow the same. Her white skin that almost glowed iridescent, was unchanged, but her outfit and hair were not the way she remembered. “Connie!” Pearl exclaimed, when she noticed there was another on the beach with her. She wasn’t able to hide her surprise.

Connie tried to force a smile, but it wouldn’t form on her lips. “I thought you might have seen me coming,” she said. “You know … because of Garnet.”

“No, Garnet hasn’t said anything.” Pearl seemed bewildered, but pulled herself to her feet. “What are youwell, that is, I’m surprised to see you. It’s been a long while.” Connie nodded and a short silence spread between them, before Pearl picked up the conversation again. “Would you like to come up to the house? I don’t think there’s much food, but Amethyst might have something. No, I’m sure she has something.”

“No, thank you. I’m not hungry.” Connie stared at her sandals as her long dark hair was picked up by the ocean breeze. Why had she come here? It suddenly didn't feel right.

“Would you … like to see her gem?” Pearl asked, her voice cautious.

Connie stiffened slightly at the pronoun. To Pearl, Steven would always be a part of Rose and when he died, that last connection she had to Rose had gone with him. His gem was also hers. “No,” Connie replied, feeling the urge to flee take hold, but she forced herself to look up at Pearl. A question formed in her headsomething personaland she wasn't sure if she was brave enough to ask? “Do you still miss her?” Connie gently probed, finding her voice at last.

Pearl was quiet, as if not prepared for the question, then hesitantly removed the distance between them and laid a hand on Connie’s shoulder. “Everyday.”

“I don’tI don’t know how to move on. I always think I’m doing better, but then there’s days like today and I can’t stop myself” Connie’s voice broke. She hadn’t meant to cry. She’d done her best to hold back tears so many times. But she couldn’t now, and let them wet her face with their warmness before the breeze made them feel like ice against her skin.

Pearl’s eyes widened at the sight of Connie’s emotions overflowing, but she was able to pull herself together enough to respond, “I know exactly that feeling. Rose was mymy everything, and I feel like I lost her twice. It’s a deep twisting pain inside here,” she gestured towards her chest, “that never really goes away.”

“Then there isn’t any hope for me,” Connie sobbed, and Pearl shook her head.

“No. There is always hope. Just because we experience pain, doesn’t mean we can’t learn to live with it and use it as a strength to push forward. They’re not here, but we can still live for them.” Pearl was quiet for a moment and the only sounds around them were Connie’s sharp intakes of breath and soft sobs, behind the waves lapping at the shore. Then Pearl opened her mouth, and the shock of hearing the other sing, pulled Connie temporarily from her grief. “If you do it for her, that is to say, you’ll do it for him.”

It was a song she remembered from her training with Pearl. She’d learned to fight for Steven, and now it resonated with her again. Maybe … maybe she could still fight for him by living. Connie twisted the ring on her finger and sniffed. “And so I’ll live for him,” she sang in the same tune Pearl had and for the first time that day, a timid smile was able to pull at the corners of her mouth.

“Would you like to come up? I’m sure Garnet and Amethyst would like to see you too,” Pearl asked, her own smile breaking free.

Connie used the back of her hands to wipe away the remaining tears still clinging to her skin, and nodded. “Yeah, I think I’d like that.”


End file.
